Thankful for the Flannel
Well, it’s that time of year again. The time when you’ve got to travel back and see the family, corona-pending. You won that coin toss with your S.O. meaning you get to spend the creme-de-la-creme of holidays (Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa) with YOUR fam, and your S.O.’s fam gets the scraps: Thanksgiving.
Now, just because it is a lesser holiday doesn't mean you shouldn't try to make a good impression with their family - and as we all know, the first and most important impression comes from your outerwear. While your S.O. has picked out a few matching Turkey-themed sweaters for you to squeeze into, you know that there’s only one option if you really want to get on their family’s good side: The Flannel.
Since Thanksgiving is a very formal and structured day, let us tell you why your flannel is the pièce de résistance of your holiday ensemble.
All Thanksgivings start with a far too early, and a far too brisk, morning Turkey Trot. While your body might not understand why it is jogging at 7am, you can at least rest assured that your nipples won't chafe as they snuggle up against your flannel.
Once back in the safety of your home, it is now part deux of everyone’s Thanksgiving schedule: Sitting by the crackling fire while sipping whiskey and watching football with bae’s curmudgeonly Uncle Ramon. In case you get too toasty by the fire, your flannel can easily adjust to any temperature with a simple unbuttoning.
As we get to the highlight of the holiday, an early linner, your trusty flannel has got your back (and your front, as well as your sides):
It’s various colors act as camouflage as you spill an abundance of stuffing and gravy all over yourself, you dirty animal you.
The sleeves of your flannel act as napkins after you’ve already soiled your S.O.’s grandmother’s fancy linens with sweet potatoes.
As you inhale a copious amount of food and your stomach expands like a frog displaying dominance, your flannel can conform to your ever changing body with the adjustment of buttons.
Finally, at the end of the night as you grow sleepy from the turkey, your trusty flannel can be used as your pillow on Uncle Ramon’s lap.
Just like the original Thanksgiving, when the pilgrims and Native Americans came together totally peacefully and by their own free will, as described in our elementary school history book, Thanksgiving is a time when we get together with loved ones and share what we’re most grateful for.
Here at Flannel Fiend, we’re grateful for just a few things: Flannel, Democracy, and Uncle Ramon’s soft flabby thighs that offer the greatest night’s sleep you’ll ever experience.
What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving? (Rhetorical question - we know it’s flannel.)
