How to Tie a Flannel Around Your Waist Like a Pro

Have you ever been in this situation? You’re caught in that awkward temperature conundrum where you thought it would be a little brisker, but then the sun starts peekin’ its head out and it gets a little too hot for your flannel. Now, you could store your flannel in your car and come back to it later, but you never know if a rogue cloud might cover up that sun and leave you freezin’ for your flannel yet again. 

What to do? Now, you could drape your flannel over your shoulder like a caveman hauling a prehistoric buck carcass, or maybe you thought to wear it as a scarf like a snooty Frenchman. We’ll be the first to tell ya: unless your name is Jean-Claude Le Fancypants, you ain’t gonna pull that off. Which brings us to a true classic - something as timeless as 90’s grunge, which is totally timeless btw. You know where we’re going: A Flannel Around Your Waist.

You might scoff and think this is a simple task; You couldn’t be more wrong. Like tying a cherry stem into a bow with your tongue, wrapping a flannel around your waist takes finesse, passion, courage, and just a little bit of sensuality. Let us break it down for you in 5 easy-to-follow steps. 

Step 1. Choosing the right flannel

Assuming you’re still at home and putting together your sartorial ensemble, you can’t just tie any old flannel around your waist. HA! What a ridiculous thought you had. The first question you gotta ask yourself is: Will this flannel clash with my ripped jeans, converse sneakers, beanie, and over-sized sunglasses? If the answer is yes, then throw that flannel in the furnace and choose another. If you’re having trouble with color matching, you can always go with the standard checkerboard red and black. If it’s good enough for lumberjacks, it’s good enough for you.

Step 2. Identifying your waist

Now this step gets a little tricky and has evolved over the years depending on the dominating influence of the age. If we’re going classic Greek, a culture known for letting it all hang out, the waist sits just below the hip bones. However during the Ottoman Empire, those more conservative calculus-loving prudes defined the waist as just below the nipples. If you see black and white photos of your great-grandfather, then you’ll recognize this style instantly. If you’re going with the American 90’s gangsta rap era, then the waist begins about halfway down the ass crack. Now, at Flannel Fiend we’re not going to tell you how to define your own waist. All that matters is that when you do decide where your waist is, you commit gosh darnit. There’s nothing worse in this world then a traveling waistline. 

Step 3. Choosing the Right Moment to Tie a Flannel Around Your Waist

While you could just leave the house with a flannel pre-tied around your waist, you should really save this moment for a public display. Nothing tells the world that you’re “too cool for school” like taking your flannel off and tying it around your waist. Maybe your boss just ridiculed you for being late to an all-hands meeting. Instead of sulking like a beta-cuck, you should exert dominance by slowly unbuttoning your flannel - never breaking eye contact - and in a show of rebellious defiance tie that bad boy around your self-defined waistline (see step two).

Perhaps you’re getting in a domestic quarrel with your spouse over who’s turn it is to clean the cat hair out of the air filter. You want to show them who wears the pants (figuratively speaking) in this house. Nothing tells your S.O. who wears the pants like covering up half your pants with your flannel. You can’t always pre-plan when the flannel should be tied around your waist, but when that moment comes - you’ll know. And you’ll need to strike fast and strike hard.

Step 4. Choosing the right background music

Every great moment in history was accompanied by great background music. World War 1? You know John Phillip Sousa’s marching band was tootin’ along against those sauerkraut-eatn’ Germans. The discovery of fire? Accompanied by the nastiest drum circle you’ve ever heard. Women’s Suffrage? Susan “Beatbox” Anthony was spittin’ a feminist flow that would make Biz Markie blush.

The music you choose should be the music in your heart. If a movie was being filmed about your life, this would be the hit single on the soundtrack. The kind of song that makes you say “ooooh yeah” when it comes on. “We Like to Party” by Vengaboys is recommended.

Step 5. Tying the Flannel Around your Waist.

Now that we've made it through Steps 1-4, here’s the easy part. Firmly grab the sleeves of your flannel in each hand. If the flannel is behind your body, then you’re on the right track. If you find the flannel is in front of your body, just do a simple jump-rope maneuver and you’ll be all set. 

Next, wrap the sleeves of your flannel at your self-identified waistline (see step 2), and tie a bow as if you're tying your Converse All Stars. How tight you tie it depends on how much pain you can withstand. The tighter the tie, the more secure your flannel will be around your waist. If your flannel is too loose, you might start seeing it slowly descending down your legs. Let us tell you from experience: no amount of hoola-hooping will get that bastard back up where it belongs. Now, many people ask us - should I do a single knot or a double knot? The answer is a triple knot.

By following these 5 easy steps (especially step 2), you’ll be well on your way to living your best life with a fashionable flannel firmly secured around your waist. So, Come As You Are with your Heart Shaped Box of a booty covered by your flannel - and maybe enjoy some Lithium while you’re at it. No Apologies.